How many of us have ever went through a negative situation or been through some type of drama and immediately started blaming ourselves for it? Although there may be two or even several people involved, you take the entire blame of the situation and rationalize it to be your fault. In some cases it might be accurate but I bet someone who isn’t involved would objectively analyze the situation in question and conclude that the blame should at the least be shared and at the most you had no control over it to begin with.
As you will see in this blog and future posts, the only examples I can use which I know to be true are my own experiences and yes I am about to share one here. As a fitness writer I am always looking for opportunities to contribute and play a positive role. This is a great job I have and I am enthusiastic about what I do. So it can be bothersome when I make several pitches to an editor I have worked with for several years and not hear anything back. No, I don’t mean I hear back with a decline. I literally get no reply at all. This is something I have dealt with for months.There is no other way to describe it than to say my messages are being ignored. Here is how my brain interprets this as being my fault and how it can spin from a small issue to something that can be depressing.
The problem: My requests, pitches, and messages are being ignored by my editor who I have worked with for a long time.
Evidence: Other articles are being published and other writers are getting opportunities so he’s still involved and contacting other writers. I am getting no replies on any ideas I am sending him and he’s not even replying back telling me that he has nothing available.
Conclusion from that evidence: I am being ignored and he’s not interested in working with me.
Final Answer: I must have done something to upset him, I suck as a writer, and I am now a failure in this industry. I failed my editor, company, and people that support that company.
Yes, that was and I will admit at times still is my belief. There are times that the thought that I am a total failure and continue to beat myself up mentally repeatedly because my editor won’t even reply to me while other contributors are getting several opportunities will run through my mind and it can leave me feeling trapped in a vicious negative cycle.
After taking some time to do my best thinking about it objectively, I think this goes back to my childhood and growing up in a home with alcoholism and domestic violence. I always thought I was the reason my parents were fighting. I should help more with the younger kids, fight less with my older siblings, and done more so they wouldn’t be upset. I also am apparently not that entertaining of a kid because my father would rather go to a bar and hang out with friends. My mom spent weekends out with friends instead of at home with us. What did I do wrong? When it came to kids or girls at school, I would think I was a horrible person because no one wanted to date me or hang out with me. Other kids bullied me and got their entertainment from my misery. How big of a loser am I?
In almost all aspects of my childhood, I would do this so as my brain developed, it would gather facts to back up my beliefs and validate them. So naturally it would do the same in adulthood. I think that anyone who grew up around abuse or drug issues would come to that same conclusion if they went into deep thought and committed to try working to overcome this mindset. After learning more about childhood domestic violence, how the brain works, and that pros and cons should be considered, I now know that if I want to draw an accurate conclusion then I need to look at the evidence on the other side of the argument.
The Question: Do I now suck as a writer and should I just get out of the fitness industry?
Evidence Why I Should: Explained above.
Evidence to the Contrary: Other groups are working with me and showing appreciation for my efforts. Companies have reached out to me for future contributions. I am still getting positive feedback from readers and followers. My past work for that one company with the non-replying editor is still getting positive reviews. Other people in that same company still support me.
My conclusion now. Although I should still continue to work to improve, one editor not getting back to me for his own reasons is not a sign that I should give up my entire career. I should still move forward and try to make a difference with the people that do wish to continue working with me. This is how I make my living and there are still bills to be paid. Beating myself up over one person is not going to help me maintain a household and support my family whose opinions of me truly matter.
This more objective analysis helped me realize that at the end of the day it is that editor who made the decision not to maintain contact with me or give me opportunities. Regardless of how special or important that company is, there are other great important companies that are giving me opportunities to move forward and to be fair to them I should give them as much commitment as I can. They wouldn’t want to work with me if I wasn’t doing something right.
This is only one of my experiences. I know many people out there that have dealt with similar situations that resulted in a lot of self-blame when honestly they had no valid reason to do so. It wasn’t their fault and if you find yourself doing it, you are not alone and you can work to create a more positive state of mind for yourself. So if you are someone who make it a habit to blame yourself for everything and then search for evidence to make that opinion a fact, take a deep breath and then consider the evidence against that theory. It might have a stronger case and you will relieve yourself from self-blame and mental abuse which can do much more damage than whatever situation you’re currently dealing with.
Roger "Rock" Lockridge 